Diary of the dead

Dear diary,

Yesterday I was dead. And then I died again. Nightmare.

That's right. Yesterday I fulfilled a dream and got to be a zombie. Not a real one obviously, as we all know in the event of a zombie apocalypse I'm staying alive. I have a plan and I'm a survivor. But in the interests of balance I've always wondered about how the other half live.

And now I know. For I have been a zombie for the film, Cockneys vs Zombies. Yesterday, I had to get up at 3.30am, a mere three hours after going to bed. I was on the train to London by half four and arrived at Canary Wharf at quarter to 6.

I was terrified. Walking into a room full of people who'd been on set the day before and who knew the ropes was so daunting... but everyone was so nice! I met a man named Simon who (after referring to me as 'Fresh Meat') took me to wardrobe, where I was complimented on my outfit and told I'd be covered in blood. 'Brilliant,' said I. I then signed a disclaimer form and popped off to make-up.

'How bad do you want to look?' Jess, my make-up artist asked.
'F**k me up,' said I. 'I want to make myself physically sick when I look in the mirror. I wish to repulse myself.'

Hide yo wife, hide yo kids. No seriously. Hide them. Or I'll eat them.

Judging by my barely concealed smirk, I'm not that repulsed. But I can see how you would be.

Then it was time for Zombie School. At Zombie School, we learn about the modus operandi of the zombie. Which is flesh. Zombies cannot see very well but they can hear and smell humans and will stop at nothing to get them. Zombies don't go around objects; they go through them... or bounce off them 'til they can go around. Zombies hold no prejudice. Regardless of gender, sexual preference, skin colour, religion, football team affiliation or Hogwarts house, if you are alive and close enough they'll eat ya. In a way, they inhabit an almost Utopian state. It's a weird way, but it's a way nonetheless.

After Zombie School I had to prove my walk to the zombie coach. So myself, Tanya and Alicia (other new blood [ho hum]) staggered around a car park for a bit, dragging our feet and grabbing each other.

Then it was time to go to set!

Things they never tell you about film sets - there is an awful lot of hanging around. Especially if you weren't there the day before and so therefore can't film the current scene due to continuity. But we had a blast, hanging out with Jules (who'd died the day before) and drinking tea, stealing Simon's camera and taking photos of ourselves and watching the action. Alicia, Tanya and Jules got to do some fancy photography stuff which was ace. And then it was lunch. Which was fully catered. Back of the net.

Then the afternoon and I got to do my first scene! It involved staggering towards a man wielding a machine gun with live rounds in. This does not mean actual live rounds, but blanks. But they still banged when he fired.  And we had to wear earplugs. It was cool. People actually yelled 'Action' and 'Rolling' and that stuff, the director called me 'My Dear', some famous people spoke to me.  And if that scene makes the cut, you'll almost definitely see my legs in that shot.

Then we were taken away to do some close-up stuff. This was AMAZING. We had to stand in a line and lurch on the spot and the scene became progressively freakier. At first we stood in a line, shambling, staring at the floor. Then they asked Tanya to look at the camera. And then they gave her and Jules white contact lenses. And then they shot blood guns into our faces  (this was as literal as it sounds - they filled a pump gun full of blood and fired it at us. Repeatedly). And then they made Tanya spit blood at the camera. It looks insane. If it doesn't make the film, it would such a waste. Tanya looked incredible. Even after being shot in the eyes with the blood gun, she managed to open them and glare. With her whited-out eyes covered in blood. You've no idea.

Me, Tanya and Jules. Yup. Shit scary.

And then they bought us some sandwiches. Yay!

Finally, we thought we'd been wrapped, but Tanya and I were called in to be corpses in one of the final scenes. This is where my DH premiere training from last year came in handy. I can totally lay on the streets of London in comfort. Hell yeah!

Also. you've no idea how weird it is to have someone check your make-up all the time. Ladies just came up to you and started peering at you and then dabbing away with sponges and brushes. It's scary how used to it you become, but I suppose if I'd done such an amazing job on someone, I'd want to make sure they stayed that way. The make-up ladies were fabulous. And I've really missed them today. No-one has come up to me and flicked blood in my face. or poured it down my front.

And that was that. Time to get the make-up off and go. I couldn't get half of it off and so got on the Tube looking like this:

You've got red on you

Only one lady asked me if I was OK. Everyone else avoided making eye contact. And on the train home, no one would sit by me, despite the fact it was packed. Amazing.

It was a brilliant, brilliant day. I got to meet some amazing people, get covered in blood and stumbled about. I even did some moaning. And if my shots aren't cut, I might even be in a film.

How about that then.