How to write a YA Vampire Novel

Earlier tonight, a friend was telling me about the vampire Young Adult fiction she was currently reading. After a while, I noticed there was a bit of a trend in the core matter, let's not say 'formulaic' but that there were certain similarities in the storylines of many of the vamp fics available today..

So, for your reading pleasure and entertainment, may I present my guide to writing Vampire Fiction for a YA audience.

1.  You need a Heroine. She needs to be gawky, clumsy, scrawny and to all intents and purposes 'unattractive'... until someone hands her a mascara wand whereupon she will miraculously become a proper little stunner. She, in short, is just like us! She's not especially pretty or clever, she's just an average girl in an average world. Except she is stunningly pretty and a genius, it's just she's so modest and unassuming she doesn't know it! Could she be more perfect? YES! Because she has a secret power! A power which makes her a freak initially, but is later revealed to be the BEST THING EVER. A power which she can use to defeat all evil and darkness. She's soooooo special. That's why she's the Heroine. And not a bit like us. Unless the secret power is causing trains to break down. Then she's a lot like me.

2.  She must be at school, preferably boarding school but definitely under 18. Vampires hate anyone over 18. Older than 18 = Too old. No-one wants to spend eternity with someone with laughter lines. If you're over 18 then immortality is not for you. You're just dinner. Sorry. Also, school adds an opportunity for a repressed sort of setting and some ritualistic torture in the form of a dance. Very important that formal, dress up occasions occur. How else will the frumpy Heroine get to show us all what a stone-cold fox she can be?

3.  There needs to be a hot vampire Hero. Super hot. The kind of hot that makes Johnny Depp look like John Sergeant. He has to be the hottest creature that ever existed. He is handsome, hench, clever, romantic, funny and just a little bit dangerous. And he will fall hopelessly in love with the Heroine. Almost instantly. Before her he was barren and desolate of all feeing, but now he's seen her he cannot rest until he has won her heart. But he will mask all of this by being rude and obnoxious to her, doing everything he can to appear repulsive. But it's ok! It's just a ruse to hide how much he cares for her!

4.  There will be a clique of beautiful, popular people. And they will hate the Heroine. They will never like her.

Never.

Until the Hero admits that behind his cruel exterior, his heart metaphorically beats only for her. Then they will love her and she will abandon the losers she has, until then, called her friends.

5.  The Sidekick/ best friend. Genuinely ugly/frumpy/overweight/stupid. You need one of these to act as a foil for the Heroine. How else will we see how awesome she is if we don't get to see the troll she knocks around with until the beautiful people accept her? And then eat her. That's right, we need a Sidekick as cannon fodder. The Sidekick is going to die. This will give the Heroine a noble purpose and a bit of depth. God knows she needs it. 

    

6.  A secret and underground plot/organisation will exist. So secret we will know all about them by chapter four. Only the Heroine can thwart this diabolical occurrence. And at great peril to herself. Despite the fact she is a schoolgirl, she will somehow have the knowledge and power to overthrow the entire plot. 

7.  The Heroine and Hero will undergo a very very traumatic break-up. They will both pine and weep. Nothing can heal their wounds. Their nights are haunted by dreams of being in each other's arms. Their days are spent chasing shadows which look like each other. At least, until the Heroine meets The Love Rival. Then she'll miraculously rally. Atta girl. 

8.  The Love Rival. Impossibly, another man of exquisite beauty exists and guess what? He falls in love with the Heroine too! What are the chances?! But he will always be thwarted because, despite the fact he is a deeply better person than the Hero, the Heroine will dump him as soon as the Hero returns to claim her back. But in all likelihood she'll keep him dangling anyway, tossing a few kisses his way every now and then. These will be 'mistakes' designed to stop him ever having a chance at happiness. This, much like the Hero's mentalist behaviour, is perfectly OK. 

9.  There will be a distinct lack of parents/guardians/authority figures. They may only show up to show unresolved tension in the Heroine's past or to provide comic relief. They will certainly never show up or be mentioned during any kind of apocalypse/ nefarious event which the Heroine is single-handedly battling. This is why boarding schools are useful. 

And there you have it. Don't worry too much about any further plot, you can fill any gaps with a bit of snogging or brooding. 

Good luck!

I am not a professional writer so don't take this too seriously :)